NEW: VOY No Laughing Matter (J/Mi, K/7, P, PG13 1/1) 

Title: No Laughing Matter
Author: Daniel [ daniel@bcworks.net ]
Series: VOY
Part: 1/1
Rating: PG-13
Codes: J/Mi, K/7, P
Timeline: Episode addition to "Fair Haven" & "Spirit Folk"
Archive: Yes please


Disclaimer: Paramount / Viacom owns everything.  I'm just playing with their
characters a little.

*    *    *
No Laughing Matter
Daniel [ daniel@bcworks.net ]
*    *    *

Thanks to Krynn, Blank, and Mustang...
This story is set after Spirit Folks... (Episode addition, in a way)
Spoilers for Spirit Folks and Revulsion.

Summary:  Seven has fun with Harry...  No, not _that_ way, you sickos!  This
is pure fluff, 100%.


*    *    *

"Tom, you are completely out of your mind."

"Come on, Harry.  We need to set her straight!  I mean, you were there when
B'Elanna told us what she said, right?  Besides, she doesn't have to know.
If my memory serves me right," Tom's eyes glittered.  "Sex wasn't in the
original specs for the Fair Haven."

"Are you sure it's not going to blow up on our faces?"  Harry asked
worriedly.  He had to admit; he had been outraged after hearing how Janeway
almost got them burned alive.

"It's gonna be fine.  Wait, you are dating that girl in Fair Haven, aren't
you?"

"No, not really.  Um, I'm not supposed to tell anyone this, but Captain
Janeway asked me to court her.  I mean, why else would I waste my replicator
credits to replicate those flowers?"

"Yeah, it struck me as a little odd that you would do that.  And replicate
it in the mess hall, of all places."

Harry answered sheepishly.  "I was running out of replicator credits, and we
have a week of Leola Root in the mess hall.  I had no choice when she
offered a week's worth of replicator credits."

"Anyway, are you in or not?"

"Count me in.  I never liked Michael anyway."

*    *    *

Katie O'Clare was writhing in pleasure as Michael's lips covered her body
with kisses.

"I want you, no I need you NOW!"  The fact that there were crewmembers mere
feet away from her in the physical world escaped Kathryn Janeway's mind as
Michael's expert tongue brought out Katie O'Clare from Captain Kathryn
Janeway.

Michael's administrations suddenly ended and were quickly replaced with his
strong arms which lifted her up.  Michael lifted Katie up from the kitchen
table and carried her to the bed.  He carefully laid Katie down on the bed,
then quickly undressed and crawled under the sheet next to her.

Katie waited Michael to crawl on top of her.  He had excellent stamina and
was programmed in multiple techniques.  Her body warmed as she remembered
their last encounter.  She had to wait two days for Paris and Harry to fix
all the bugs, and those two days had been one of her longest 48 hours ever.

Nothing happened.

Katie asked quizzically.  "What are we doing?"

"We're having sex!  Wonderful act of procreation!"

"What?"

"You know, you hold hands, you kiss, you sleep in the same bed, and a baby
comes out of your belly button."  Michael looked puzzled.  "What's wrong?"

"TOM!"

*    *    *

"TOM!"  Her enraged voice broke the gentle peace of the peaceful Irish town.
Startled birds flew up into the sky as two certain crewmembers visibly
flinched.

*    *    *

Janeway's eyes were blazing with rage.  Her eyes located Paris and Kim
talking to Seven just outside the holodeck.  She descended down like an
eagle.

"ENSIGN Thomas Paris," Her quivering voice betrayed all her attempts to
appear calm.  "Fix.  Michael.  NOW!"

Tom tried to put on his best innocent look.  "Is something wrong, Captain?
I thought I fixed all the bugs!"

"ENSIGN, You know what's wrong."  Her white glare of death burned holes on
Tom's face.

"Um, what do you mean?  I fixed everything to the original specs.  Well, I
did make sure that holo-bullets can't damage the holodeck controls
anymore...  but that shouldn't have bothered you.  Oh yeah, I had to take
couple of add-ons offline because they were causing some proble..." Look of
understanding dawned on his face.  Harry had to admit; Tom was a good actor.
"Oooohhh yeah!  You and Michael!  I didn't know that you guys were that far
into your relationship!  I'll reincorporate those add-on right away."

After giving Tom another look, Captain Janeway promptly turned on her heel
and marched back into the holodeck.

"Oh boy, that was close."  Harry was still a little stunned.  "That look
that she gave you...  You know, you should drop by sickbay to see if you got
any burns."

"Nah, it's going to be fine."  Tom replied, grinning.  Then he pointed to
the corner.

"Holo camera?  Did you record the entire thing?"

"Yep."  Tom's grin was infectious.  "Besides, I'm already an ensign.  How
low can I go?  Well, I should go and fix Michael before Captain pushes me
out of airlock.  See ya, Harry.  Seven."

*    *    *

Harry and Seven were working in the Astrometrics lab when Seven did
something Harry never expected her to do.

"Ensign Kim, I cannot comprehend the events earlier today.  Can you explain
few questions that I have?"

"Isn't small talk rather irrelevant?" Harry gently teased her.  "Sure, go
ahead."

"First of all, Captain was... damaged.  Her pupils were dilated, her
bloodstream carried elevated amount of estrogens and endorphins, her heart
was beating more than one hundred times per second, and her reaction to
Ensign Paris was not like her usual self.  I was not, however, able to
detect any alien presence.  Why is she acting so oddly?"

"Um, well, that's because, well, see, Tom and I pulled a practical joke on
the Captain, and, well, she couldn't relieve herself because of that."

"Practical Joke?  And what do you mean by her not being able to relieve
herself?"

"Well, It's widely known that Captain and Michael have an intimate
relationship.  While we were fixing the bugs on Fair Haven, we took out
Sexual knowledge from the holo characters.  So, if she was getting intimate,
then she probably realized right away that Michael had understanding of 5
year old when it came to sex."  Harry chuckled.  "So, from her looks, I'm
guessing they were getting it on when Michael suddenly decided to start play
Doctor or something."

"Play Doctor?  Explain"

"Never mind, Seven."

"Very well."  She paused for a brief minute, then continued on.  "I have
another question.  What made you do such an impulsive action if you knew
that Captain would react badly before hand?"

"Well, because it's fun!  And after the hearing how I almost got burned
alive, I thought I was entitled to a little revenge."  Harry grinned easily
at his partner who was deep in thought.

*    *    *

Seven went through the database again.  None of the entries seemed suitable
on Voyager.  Too many of the 'Practical Jokes' required having lots of
friends, something she did not have.  She did understand that the basis of a
Practical Joke was to put an element of surprise in an environment that the
victim is familiar with.  Although she had no idea how this could be 'fun',
she had to at least give it a try.  Her victim, of course, was Ensign Harry
Kim.  After all, it was Ensign Kim who repeatedly told her to 'go out and
have some fun'.

*    *    *

Consciousness slowly crept into Harry's mind.  He groggily called out.
"Computer, Time."

"Ensign Vorik is in his quarters."

He was starting to get out of bed when he suddenly realized that he didn't
ask the computer to located Vorik.  "Computer, Time", He tried again.

"Lieutenant Nicoletti has already booked the Holodeck between 1600 and 1800
hours."

He realized that Tom might be playing a trick on him.  "Computer, end
program"

"Three Replicator rations were successfully transferred to Ensign Jenkins."

Alarmed, Harry rushed to the door.  The controls were not responding.  Harry
looked around, then pinched his arm.  No, he wasn't dreaming.  A wave of
panic swept over him.  In his vain efforts to open the door, he started
shouting commands at the computer, hoping that at least one of them would
open the door.

*    *    *

'Man, she must be really attached to that hologram.'  Tom sighed deeply.  He
could feel Janeway's eyes drilling into back of his head.  She was taking
this way too seriously.  When he first walked into the bridge, he could feel
temperature drop at least 10 degrees just from the Captain's look.  Just as
he was squirming in his seat, a ship-wide comm came on.

Janeway looked around the Bridge inquisitively.  All the officers present in
the Bridge had a bewildered look on their faces.  "Where does the comm link
origi..."  She didn't have a chance to finish as Harry's voice came over the
comm.

:::Computer, Active sonic shower!  Computer, lights!  Computer...  Wait,
SHIP WIDE COMM LINK ESTABLISHED?  Oh my god!  Computer, close link!:::

An Orchestral music suddenly started in the background.

:::No!  Computer, close the comm link!  Close link, terminate link, sever
link. STOP!!!:::

The music stopped, to be replaced by the computer, which started narrating
the Starfleet regulations.  They could hear gasps as Harry tried to control
his breathing.

:::Computer, close the comm link, NOW.:::

The computer responded.  "Replaying Personal Log, Stardate 51186.2.  Working
with Seven of Nine is starting to get a little...awkward. Tom's
right--anything more than friendship is a bad idea... But I can't stop
thinking about her... "  As the entire crew of Voyager were being treated to
an alien scream compliments of Ensign Kim, the comm link closed.

"I have closed the comm link", Tuvok looked up from his console and stated
in his typical Vulcan calmness.

Silence ensued in the Bridge until Chakotay spewed out the coffee he was
drinking and doubled over in laughter.  The tension that was mounting in the
Bridge quickly dissolved.  Even Janeway couldn't stop herself from
chuckling.

"Mr. Paris, go and see what our Harry is up to."  Captain Janeway had a
laughter in her eyes to go with her smile.  'I knew she wouldn't keep a
grudge', Tom thought as he walked into the turbolift.

*    *    *

Harry was being drowned by these white... things.  He somehow ordered
replicator to replicate thousands of these, and had no idea how he could
stop the damned replicator.

"Computer, delete personal database subroutine A238 through A240"

"Alarm is now set for 0400 hours"

Harry was losing it now.  He started screaming when he noticed that the
replicator had stopped replicating the white ball-like things.  He waded
over to the wall where replicator was located.  Diving under the sea of
white things, he tried to dive down to the replicator when he heard the door
open.  When it opened, he felt the white things rushing out the door as he
was swept outside with it.

*    *    *

Tom took a step back.  'Packing Peanuts?' he thought to himself as he tried
to locate Harry.  "Where are you, Mr. I-can't-stop-thinking-about-her?" he
called out as he got to work.

*    *    *

Harry was studying the alterations to the computer.  It used a number of
Borg algorithms, and there were only two people in the entire Voyager who
knew how to use them.  Harry was one of them.

'Why would Seven do this?'  He pondered as he prepared his payback.

*    *    *

Seven found Ensign Kim's actions amusing, but contrary to Ensign Kim's
explanation of 'Practical Jokes', it was not fun.  His personal log entry
had come as a surprise to her, however, but it was not at all unpleasant.
On the contrary, it felt good to know that someone wanted her, even if it
was more than two years ago.

She finished the work she was doing, and then hooked herself into the
regeneration alcove.  Unconsciousness descended upon her.

*    *    *

A message flashed on Harry's screen, and he got to work right away.  'Being
a Chief of Operation Department does have its quirks' he mused as he set up
a forcefield in Cargo Bay 2 and proceeded with his plans.

*    *    *

Seven woke up from her regeneration cycle.  Instead of the usual green
light, she saw nothing but white surrounding her.  A little white ball like
thing was filled up around her.  She found out that she could not walk
through it, so she tried wading out of it.  It was very inefficient method
of locomotion and she got more frustrated by the second.  After 3 minutes
and 49 seconds of futile attempts at moving through the white things, she
finally came up with a semi-satisfying way of moving through the white
matter.  She tried to move toward the location of the Cargo Bay doors.

*    *    *

Figuring that 5 minutes would be enough, he dropped the forcefield that
surrounded the alcove.  Big lump of white in the middle of Cargo Bay gave
away as gravity did their duty.  From the big mass of white, a lump stirred.
Harry moved forward the lump.  The lump suddenly stood up, and quickly Harry
realized it was Seven.  She was covered from head to toe by packing peanuts
that stuck to her due to static electricity generated from the regeneration
alcove.  Harry turned to mirth as laughter shook through his body.

Seven was slightly annoyed at the laughing figure standing in front of her.
She did not find this funny or amusing at all.  She looked at her laughing
companion, and decided upon a course of action.

Harry was trying to breathe while laughter continued to rock through his
body.  Suddenly, he felt a slight electric shock.  Surprised, he looked up
to find Seven's hand pushing him toward a heap of packing peanuts on the
floor.  Unprepared, he flew toward the heap.

Harry stood up after a moment of disorientation.  He coughed out a packing
peanut that had gotten into his mouth, then looked up to find Seven looking
at him.

Seven and Harry silently eyed each other for a moment.  Both their bodies
were completely covered with packing peanuts, with the eyes only visible.
Suddenly, Seven started giggling.  Seizing the chance, Harry tackled her
down and tried to bury her up with the packing peanuts while Seven tried to
throw the peanuts back at Harry.  Laughter soon filled the Cargo Bay.

*    *    *

'It was fun to just let it all go and play...', Harry mused as he and Seven
walked down toward the Messhall.  Seven's eyes were sparkling with life.
When noticed Harry's gaze upon her, she smiled brilliantly at him.

"Thank you, Ensign.  That was... fun."

"Anytime, Seven"  Harry smiled back as they walked through the door leading
into the Messhall.  At the Messhall, they found Captain talking amiably with
Tom.  Seven and Harry grabbed a plate and walked toward them.

"I need to get back to the bridge..."  Captain spoke as she stood up.
"Anyway, Thanks Tom."  Captain smiled at seeing Harry and Seven together,
then excused herself from the group.

"So, what did you do that made Captain so happy?  More improvements on Fair
Haven?"  Harry asked as he sat down beside Seven.

"Nope.  I don't think she even cares about Fair Haven anymore.  I designed
her a new place."

"Oh, really?  What kind of place is it this time?"

Tom gave a knowing smile at the pair.  There was something going on between
those two.  After deciding to ask Harry later, he answered.  "Starbucks."

-THE END-