~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Contains spoilers for "Good Shepherd," "Child's Play" and "Muse" as well as the novel "Pathways," which is what I base Harry's backstory on. Musing, Boozing and Choosing A story in three chapters Chapter one In which Harry 'Muses' about a special secret and Seven. "Computer, requesting off-ship access to my personal logs." <> "Right, Harry Kim, Ensign, password, um, Mousie." <> :::Personal Log Ensign Harry Kim. Stardate ______. I convinced B'Elanna to let me take the first watch tonight. She'll spell me in eight hours. We don't anticipate getting close to the planet with the dilithium for another eighteen hours at least. So now while she's sleeping it's just the stars and me. I think it's as good a time as any to talk about what's happened. I don't know maybe talking about it will make it seem more real, somehow.::: "Computer, pause recording of personal log. Computer, if Lieutenant Torres leaves her cabin or attempts to access bridge communications tell me immediately, is that understood?" <> :::I think that about covers it, B'Elanna shouldn't be able to listen in or sneak up on me. Besides, by the way she looked when she left watch, Tom's 'goodbye' must have been exhausting, she should be sleeping for a while. Begin recording of personal log, again.::: :::Okay, here goes...Seven and I slept together there I said it. Of all the things I never thought I'd start a personal log with that's got to be in the top three, along with 'I got promoted' and 'it wasn't fatal.' Have to get back on track here I guess I'd better start at the beginning::: :::About a week or so ago, I ran into Mezoti and Naomi in the messhall during dinner. I mentioned that I had the holodeck reserved for a couple of hours and was going to play a little volleyball, they were welcome to come along. Suddenly, I was being pulled into Cargo Bay two, Seven with there with Icheb, Azan and Rebi.::: :::Seven looked well, harried, I guess you could say. I think the kids had been running her ragged, especially since the Captain hadn't really lessened her workload any. I felt kind of guilty, especially since I know how important it is to her for everything to be perfect. I invited all the kids to go along with us, thinking that it would give her some time to herself but the kids all begged her to come along. They genuinely care for her; it's really sweet to see. I think she was kind of touched by their eagerness to have her with us and agreed to go. I still can't believe she actually asked me if it was okay if she went along.::: :::In a few minutes we were on the holodeck and I'd pulled up the holoimage of my old Academy volleyball instructor to give everyone lessons. It was fun. Seven seemed to be actually enjoying herself and the kids seemed to follow her lead. When the Coach decided that the kids were ready for a practical application of their skills we programmed in opponents that matched us in size, skill and knowledge and had a couple of games. Here's a shocker, apparently competitiveness is not irrelevant.::: :::Eventually our time came to an end and we had to exit the holodeck. Seven thanked me for allowing she and the kids to share my time and so did Naomi but the best part was just as they were leaving the holodeck, Seven looked back at me and smiled, a real smile. It had been so long since I'd seen one, I'd forgotten how good one of her smiles made me feel.::: :::A couple of days later I invited she and kids for a hike in Lake Tahoe, earth. I made a few modifications to the standard holoprogram then contacted Voyager's Morale Officer. That evening, promptly at 18:30 hours, of course, we started the program. Thankfully, Seven seemed to have considered our outing as a kind of recreational exercise and had changed into her workout clothes for the hike. I was also really glad that I'd had a little while to study information on Lake Tahoe, earth and geography in general since the kids bombarded me with questions as we walked.::: :::It's a beautiful program. Even though holodecks still can't get the smell right, everything else was perfect. I'd programmed in an easy, slightly downhill hike that would end at a manmade beach at the lake's edge. I was in front with the kids in the middle and Seven bringing up the rear. It was fun, it really was. Several times I looked back and saw a look of contentment on her face, a couple of times she caught my eye and she really looked happy to be there.::: :::I'd timed the hike pretty well, we ended up at the lake's edge just as the sun began to set over the mountains. Naomi was delighted by the colors of the sunset and I could tell the Borgster's, as Tom likes to call them, were pretty impressed even though they didn't say much. Then I looked over at Seven and she smiled at me. It stuck me again how really lovely she was. Not that I had actually forgotten, how could I? ButI'd tucked away thoughts like that for so long that when it popped into my head I was actually surprised.::: :::Giggles reminded me that we weren't alone. I saw Naomi whispering to Mezoti who looked really interested in the subject. Okay, I was embarrassed. It had been a long time since I'd been caught openly stared at Seven, I thought I was over that but I guess I wasn't. Hoping to divert their attention I picked up a small flat stone from the shore and skipped it into the water. That did the trick before I knew it I was instructing them all in the subtleties of skipping stones.::: :::It was funny to listen to them, the Borgster's even took skipping rocks seriously, wanting to know at precisely what angle their wrists should assume at the time of release and the exact shape of the stones required for optimum jumps. Naomi caught on with no problem. Mezoti needed a little more help and I stood behind her and showed her how to flick her wrist. The boys only asked questions and studied my 'technique.'::: :::Then I looked over at Seven, she actually seemed to be struggling with the process. Her 'excellent hand-eye coordination' didn't seem to be helping much. The problem was that she was over-thinking but I knew there was no way I could tell her that or that she'd believe it. Instead, I stood by and offered a few suggestions. She was way too stiff, I told her she had to bend a little at the waist. Release the rocks easy in one fluid motion. She was still having problems, before I knew it I was behind her holding her wrist; moving it back and forth smoothly to show her how easy it was.::: :::Finally she managed it just right, it was great to see how pleased she was. Then she looked at me and said 'thank you.' It was one of those moments that I used to live for. Those beautiful eyes looking at me, and the rush I got when she stood that close. I think I managed to say 'you're welcome' but I'm not sure.::: :::Then our Morale Officer came through for me. A food container materialized by the fire pit, saying I was relieved is an understatement. Inside the container was a pitcher of milk and chocolate chip cookies. Seven served everyone as I started the fire; in a few minutes we were all settled down munching our snacks. One difference between the Borgsters and Seven is that they don't object to sweets or non-essential food; they enjoy it like the kids they are.::: :::While we were eating, Mezoti asked me why I liked Lake Tahoe so much. I explained that I used to go there with my father when I was a child and then starting telling them about how a trip there was what made me decide to join Starfleet. Seven listened with interest, even though she had heard the story before. It seemed like a lifetime ago when some of the crewmembers were trapped in the Sabu prison camp and we shared the stories of our lives with each other to keep our spirits up.::: :::The kids wanted to know about my cadet training. They were especially interested in my classes in Wilderness Survival with Commander Nimembeh. That made sense, as drones they had absorbed a lot of knowledge but survival training would be irrelevant right? They were completely enthralled when I told them about a fellow cadet eating beetle larvae and how disgusted he was with me that I couldn't bring myself to do it. They seemed to enjoy the story so much that I started telling about other things that had happened to me. I know that most of the stories I told didn't exactly make me look like a hero, but they seemed to enjoy them and they made Seven smile, that was enough.::: :::Finally, the computer gave us the five minute warning. The holodeck was booked for 2000 and we needed to get ready to leave. Samantha was there to pick up Naomi and Mezoti who was going to spend the night with them. The boys ran over to the shore wanting to get a little more stone skipping practice in before our time was up.::: :::Then it happened; Seven was standing close as usual and then she cocked her head that way she does when she's considering something. She thanked me for allowing her and the kids to share the holoprogram. She moved closer and then she kissed meshe kissed me. It wasn't a kiss like she gave the Doctor that one time either. It was a very soft, quick peck on my lips. I was stunnedIt was over before I could do anything and she was escorting the boys out of the holodeck. Before she left she looked back at me and smiled. I think I managed to smile back, I'm still not sure.::: :::I don't even know how I made it back to my quarters, my mind was so jumbled. I kept going over what happened in my head. Why had she kissed me? I could understand her wanting to thank me but why the kiss? Why on the lips? Even the Doctor, her, I don't know, mentor, I guess, only merited a kiss on the cheek. Did it mean something? Was it just a gesture of friendship? Then the big question; did I want it to mean something? I didn't get a whole lot of sleep that night.::: :::Mezoti and Naomi were in the messhall with Sam the following morning. They told me how much they enjoyed the holoprogram. Well, Naomi did, Mezoti said something about it being a pleasing form of recreation and she wouldn't be averse to trying another holoprogram. Sam suggested one she'd used when she was younger.::: :::It was about four days later and everything was set for our next outing. I hadn't talked privately with Seven since that night. She had been pretty busy with Icheb and his family, then with some special assignment for the Captain. I felt awful for Icheb, he seemed to be okay with what had happened but when I thought about my parents doing something like his parents had doneI know they thought it was for a good reason, but their own child? I just can't, never mind.::: ::: Sam's program was a hit. It was a nighttime scenario, a full moon and a bonfire providing the only illumination. A grunion run, set at a beach in Old Southern California. I'd never experienced one before so I was as interested as the kids. It was fascinating to watch those little silvery fish wash ashore and lay their eggs then go out with the tide.::: :::Later we settled down around the bonfire. The Captain had heard about our outings and had provided all the ingredients for a special treat for the kids. Chocolate bars, graham crackers and marshmallows, the makings for S'mores. After the kids received instructions on the proper method to roast marshmallows they asked for more stories about cadet life and survival training. I was ready, I'd already gone through the databases for stories and asked a few crewmembers for some of their remembrances.: :::Then Icheb asked about my living arrangements. He pointed out that when my stories started I was living at the Academy with a roommate, named George, then later I mentioned an apartment off-grounds. I explained that during the end of my first year I'd met Libby and we'd lived together until I left on Voyager.::: :::Mezoti was very interested especially after I explained that Libby had been my fiancé. She and Naomi started firing questions at me, I felt like I was up before a review board. The boys seemed a little bored but Seven was listening intently. I did emphasize 'had been' and went on to say that it had been over six years since Voyager had disappeared and over four years that it had been declared 'lost.' Then I added that I'd known for several years that Libby had remarried. Mezoti then asked me if she was 'pretty?' I said that yes, Libby was very pretty. Then she went in for the kill, she asked if Libby was as pretty as Seven?::: :::I was thrown for a loop. How do you answer a question like that? It was like comparing apples and, well, I'm not even going to go there. Suddenly Seven spoke up and said that appearance was 'irrelevant.' She went on to say that physical appearance was only part of what a person looked for in a mate. Mezoti asked me what other characteristics were important in a mate, I think I was gasping like a fish out of water by then.::: :::Salvation came when Sam and Neelix showed up together to pick up the kids and take them back to their quarters and Cargo Bay two respectively. Then Neelix said that the holodeck wasn't booked for the next hour and Seven and I might as well enjoy a little peace and quiet. They were gone before I could say anything.::: :::We settled back to enjoy the time we had remaining, comparing notes about the evening and just talking. We'd never really done that, just talked about anything other than work. Wait that's not right, I'm having a hard time explaining this. There have ¦­m times when we'd worked together and I'd talked and she listened, then pointed out all the irrelevancies of the conversation. That time was different, for one thing, she was actually interested in what I had to say. I mentioned that it was easier to talk with her now than it was before.::: TBC :::She thanked me and then the conversation took a strange turn. At the time I thought she was actually leading the conversation, now I know I was right. She was asking me about holoprograms, specifically about the Fair Haven one and the aftermath of my and Tom's 'kidnapping.' B'Elanna had explained to us in detail who exactly was ready to leave us there to possibly die and who was ready to do something to save 'our sorry asses' as she put it. Hell, it was one of the first times she and Seven had agreed on anything, it made an impression on her.::: :::Seven wanted to know why I hadn't used the program recently? I said that I'd kind of lost interest. Actually the only one that uses Fair Haven anymore is the Captain, but I really didn't want to go into that. She wanted to know how I could lose interest and then she asked me if I thought it was 'real?' Of course I didn't, it was just a holoprogram. Then she asked me point blank if that was so, then why did I have a relationship with one of the holocharacters?::: :::My mouth opened and closed several times before I could actually get some words out. I tried to explain that I didn't have a 'relationship' with Maggie but she calmly recited what she knew of the time I'd spent on the holodeck and she knew everything. I really wanted to know where she got her information since the only time I'd seen her was when she threw rings with Seamus. I was starting to sweat. I tried to think of some rationalizations for the time I spent there. I mean everyone uses the holodecks for something right? Holoprograms are fun, a way to blow off steam, right? But all the rationalizations I'd ever heard suddenly sounded so pathetic. All I could do was repeat that it wasn't what she thought and that I knew holograms weren't real::: :::Those beautiful blue eyes locked onto mine and then in one moment everything changed. She said three words, "I am real." And I understood and then I was holding her and we kissed. It was it was incredible and then we were lying back on the sand and kissing even more. And then the damn five-minute warning sounded. She jumped away and nearly ran off the holodeck. I was going to follow her but Larsen and Lang showed up for their reservation and pointed out that I'd left all our stuff behind. Afterwards, I raced to Cargo Bay two trying to think of what to say. Should I apologize? I wasn't sorry about what happened. But I was kind of worried that it might have been a fluke and she regretted it. By the time I got there she was already regenerating, so I headed back to my quarters to try to get some rest.::: :::I had been sleeping. I felt hands stroking my hair and soft kisses on my face. If this was a dream I never wanted to wake up. But something made me open my eyes and there she was. Before I could say anything she kissed me, we kissed.::: :::Then she smiled and asked me if I wanted to copulate with her, 'now?' I smiled back, the woman I had been holding in my arms was so different than the woman that had asked me that question way back when. Okay, I was a little worried about how she'd acted earlier so I asked her if she was sure about it. She thought that was funny, pointing out that she wouldn't be there if she wasn't sure. She added that she had programmed the computer to alert her if any of the children terminated their regeneration early, better safe than sorry right? Then we started kissing again and this time we didn't stop. It was amazing.::: :::She was gone when I woke up in the morning. I don't know why but I kind of expected that. Everything was so new to her I could tell that she hadn't expected to feel the things she felt and needed some time to think about it. Everything was new, even just touching and being touched. Especially that. I realized that I was the first person she'd ever really touched. I felt honored and humbled. Her hands, her touch had been gentler than I'd ever imagined.::: :::I didn't see her until the morning's scheduled Senior Staff meeting. I was a little surprised to see her there. She didn't acknowledge me, I'd like to think that her expression was a little softer than usual but it could have been my imagination. The Captain announced that Seven would be presenting the results of her 'Efficiency Analysis' to the Senior Staff. The junior members of the senior staff exchanged worried glances. The words, 'Seven' and 'efficiency' together were frightening. The Captain went on to say that she and Chakotay has reviewed it last night, and accepted Seven's findings.::: :::Seven then passed out a PADD to everyone and gave us a few minutes to review it. I tried to catch her eye when she handed me mine but it didn't work. Then she stood up across from me and began to explain her ratings. I couldn't believe that she gave Ops only seventy-six percent. That bothered me; I'm proud of my crew and the work we produce. Okay, I grumbled about it a little and then the Doctor jumped in with his usual snide comment. I'd like to think that Seven defended me, I'd like to think that but I wasn't sure. She wasn't quite as snippy as she and been to the Doctor when she made a suggestion about what I could do to improve Ops.::: :::Then she went on to cover Engineering, Security and Sickbay. I watched her, thinking about how just hours before I'd made love to this efficient, imperious woman. I thought about how that woman had been so different from the Seven that was telling Tuvok a better way to arrange his phasers.::: :::All right, I admit her attitude bothered me but I wasn't sure why. I mean it's not like I expected her to blow kisses at me when I walked in or plop down on my lap to give her report, even though the looks on everyone's faces would have been priceless. Then I realized what was really bothering meI didn't know what last night meant to her and it hurt. Then, I did something childish, I pointed out that Astrometrics didn't fare very well either. I was surprised at how easily she admitted her own department's problem.::: :::The staff meeting let out right after that. Seven was on her way to Astrometrics before I could say anything to her. Things got a little crazy after that, what with the Captain taking the 'misfits' on an away mission and me still having to sort through the data that I needed for the one B'Elanna and I would be taking in two days to look for dilithium.::: :::The Captain and her 'crew' had run into problems. They were okay but the Delta Flyer had sustained some damage. As soon as they returned I had to organize a repair crew with B'Elanna and get to work. We really couldn't afford to put off our away mission. Things would start getting critical if we waited. With all the extra work going on I didn't see Seven at all the next day.::: :::Despite all the added responsibilities needed to get ready for the away mission I managed to get to bed at a decent hour. That probably had to do with the fact that I'd even taken my meals in the maintenance bay. It was a good excuse, being so busy I couldn't make it to the messhall to eat but the reality was that I didn't know what to say to her. And, okay, I was really afraid that she would act like it meant nothing::: :::Again, I had been asleep and had felt fingers stroking my hair, but no soft kisses. I opened my eyes and there she was. One of these days I'm going to have to find out how she bypasses my privacy lock so easily. She acted almost embarrassed and didn't seem to know what to say. I have to say that it was a pretty pleasing role reversal. Then she admitted that she had been afraid that I mig thee angry about the efficiency rating and might not want her anymore. I told her that she was wrong; that if she was ever worried about something that she should come to me, then I pulled her into bed and showed her how much I wanted her.::: :::Last night was incredible. We made love and talked for hours. We did take a break about half way through for 'refueling' as she called it. Seven told me that she wants a relationship with me. Is that unbelievable or what?::: :::The best part wait that's not right everything had been great but the thing that made me the happiest was that she was still there in the morning. I'd almost forgotten how wonderful it is to wake up with someone you care for. She moved close and wrapped herself around me. I felt I felt like I didn't even need the Delta Flyer for the away mission anymore, that I could just fly on my own.::: :::Even though it was early, Mezoti and Naomi came to say goodbye to me before the preflight check. They waved to B'Elanna and Tom when they showed up a few minutes later. I know that he had wanted to go on the away mission instead of me but the final decision was Chakotay's. Tom stayed up front when B'Elanna went back to store away her gear. He wished me luck on the mission and as usual, asked me to watch out for B'Elanna.::: :::He mentioned that the Doctor had asked him to help plan some holodeck outings for him to take Seven and the Borgster's on while I was away. I didn't say anything. I know what I wanted to say, 'Yeah, I know Tom, Seven told me about it last night when we were having a midnight snack, that I can tell you we both really needed. Isn't it amazing how much of an appetite you can work up after really great sex?' That's what I wanted to say, just to see the look on Tom's face. But I didn't this thing with Seven is so new and special. I don't want to share it with anyone. Besides, Tom would've probably just commed Chakotay and told him I was delusional and mentally unfit for duty.::: :::Tom added that the Doctor has asked him if he should be worried because I was spending so much time with Seven and the kids. Again, I'd thought about what I could say, 'Hmm, should the Doctor be worried? I don't know? Do you think it would worry him to find out that Seven and I are lovers? Would he be worried if he knew that just this morning she had her first hot water shower and I shared it with her? I don't know buddy what do you think? Or maybe it would worry him to know that when I left my quarters this morning she told me that when I get back from this mission we will go out on an 'official' date?' Did I mention that she was only wearing a towel at the time?::: ::: 'Say something,' I told myself, despite everything I didn't want the Doctor to be hurt. Then I heard Tom laugh, no, not actually laugh, he chuckled as if the whole idea was so preposterous that it wasn't even worth considering. He didn't even have the grace to look me in the eye and ask me if it was a possibility. He said that he told the Doctor that he was being ridiculous to even consider me a threat and that they had both laughed about the whole idea. Tom mentioned that he was the one that suggested to the EMH that he might want to take Seven and the kids on some outings while I was gone. That did it I chuckled right along with him then and kept working on my preflight.::: :::For a moment I'll admit that it annoyed me that my best friend was actively working to help the Doctor start something with Seven since all he ever did was ridicule me when I wanted the same thing. Okay, I'll also admit that it was irritating as hell to think about Tom and the Doctor laughing about the very idea of me having something more with Seven.::: :::No, I am not going to let myself dwell on that. I'm in too great a mood and I'm not going to let myself think about that. Instead I'm going to think about how beautiful her eyes are when they're locked on mine. The way it felt to smooth soap subs over her in the shower. The sound of her calling out my name when she no, maybe I shouldn't think about things like that either. I'm going to be here for a while and I can't afford to get um, distracted. I'll think about the sweet kiss she gave me when she apologized for having to be in Engineering to cover for B'Elanna this morning. And how she said that she'd be there to meet me when I got back.::: :::I know that I should be exhausted by now but I feel so totally energized, exhilarated and just plain happy that I feel like I may not even need sleep for the couple of days. This thing with Seven feels right. I guess my luck has finally changed. I've never wanted an away mission to be over so much in my life.::: I think I'll end this log on that positive note and grab myself a cup of coffee. Computer, end personal logs.::: "Save to data transfer storage and send to my personal database when we return to Voyager." <> END