Title: Recriminations
Author: Trekken46
Code: K/7
Rating: PG, Angst
Archive: Summer's SeventhHeaven, ASC, All others ask.
Summary: Harry feels the burden of having several deaths on his conscience.
Feedback: Trekken46@aol.com
Disclaimer: I don't own the Star Trek universe or characters, Paramount/Viacom
does. I am only playing with the characters. Contains references to 'Warhead'.
The Bitaine are mine, as are the dead crewmen; I decided to bring them out to
play again. 

===

The mission was a failure. Harry Kim's second time as commander of an Away
Team was even worse than the first. This time instead of a talking bomb trying to
destroy the ship, Harry Kim had gotten his entire Away Team killed.

"5 people. 5 people dead because of me." Harry thought to himself as he walked
the halls of Voyager, trying to find someway to sleep.

It had been almost four3 weeks since the "incident" that got Harry's team killed.

"With this track record I'll be an Ensign for the rest of my life. Whenever I am
truly dead that is." Harry having been classified as dead several times before.

 He tried to joke with himself, but failed, much like everything he been doing
these past months.

During his thoughts he found his way to the Mess Hall. As there was nobody
there, he sat at a table near the window and looked out at the stars.

"The stars, they are forgiving of all that we humans do. Except this time." Once
again his thoughts drifted to that failed Away mission and the five dead crewmen.

===

The away mission had been like almost any other, except for their destination.

The planet they were going to was called Bitai, home of the Bitaine. The Bitaine
were a war-like people that would trade with other races for technology and
information. And Voyager had plenty of both to trade.

The Captain had chosen Ensign Harry Kim to lead the team of six to the planet's
surface. The rest of the team included Crewman Alan Sanders, William Johnson,
Alicia Jacobs, Stan Phillips, and Gabrielle Elliott. This would be their first away
mission.

The mission had been simple, trade technology and information for a new, more
powerful weapons system. They also wanted maps of the surrounding regions
and any other information they could acquire. It had all seemed so simple at first.

As the mission progressed and they acquired information and technology,
everything had been fine. As they acquired the technology, they would transport
it to Voyager and the information went into the tricorders.

Everything had run smoothly until they were about to return to the ship.

The Away team had moved to an isolated location outside of the city to
Beam-up. As they were about to call for Beam-up, an unknown attacker fired at
them.

There was little cover for the Away team to hide behind, but they used what
there was.

Ensign Harry Kim, the leader of yet another possibly failed mission had to decide
what to do.

"Elliott." He yelled over the phaser fire. "Take Phillips and Jacobs and circle
around to their right flank. Johnson and Sanders will converge on their left, and
I'll draw their fire. Understood?"

"Yes sir." She stated even as she returned fire to the unknown attackers.
"Phillips, Jacobs, come with me." With that the three of them slipped off to the
right while Johnson and Sanders went left.

That only left Harry to draw the enemy's fire.

"Well, it's now or never." He thought just before he made a run across the open
field to cover on the other side. As he reached the other side, he had managed to
draw all of the enemy's fire.

The one hitch to the plan was that Harry would not be able to back up his team if
they needed him. From his position, Harry could see the entire battle. He saw
Crewman Elliott stun one of the attackers.

That was when all hell broke lose.

The attackers had a bomb with them, and unfortunately they were suicidal.

As the two teams on the flanks surrounded the enemy's main position, the bomb
was activated. Harry saw all of this and ran to stop the team, but it was too late.
He couldn't get there in time, nor could he get an open communications channel
due to the interference of the charging bomb.

The bomb went off, killing the attackers and the Away team. The only way that
Harry survived was that he was blown clear by the blast's shockwave. He
however didn't make it through without injury. 

When the explosion subsided the only  living being was a very hurt Harry Kim.
When Voyager registered the explosion, the scanners said that that was where
the Away team was.
"Chakotay, find the Away team and beam them up. Now!" Captain Kathryn
Janeway ordered even as her First Officer was on his way to Ops.

"I've located their Commbadges. But I'm only reading 1 lifesign." Chakotay
announced from Ops.

"Beam the bodies and the lifesign to Sickbay. Commander you have the bridge."
Janeway announced on her way to the turbolift.

"Yes Ma'am." Was all Chakotay could say.

===

In sickbay, the Doctor was working to save Harry Kim's life. 

"Doctor?"

"Captain, I've managed to stabilize him, but he has a lot of internal bleeding and
damage. I'll start on the repairs as soon as I know that he's 100% stable." The
Doctor said with a resigned sigh.

"I'm sure you'll do all that you can Doctor. Keep me informed of his condition.
What about the others?" She asked knowing and dreading the answer.

"They were all killed instantly by the blast. However their tricorders weren't
destroyed, so I sent them so Lieutenant Torres."

"Thank you Doctor, let me know as soon as he wakes up.

The Doctor just nodded and went back to monitoring Ensign Kim. After the
Captain had left, the doors to Sickbay opened and in walked Seven of Nine.

"What can I do for you today Seven?" Asked the Doctor, keeping one eye on
Kim at all times.

"Nothing Doctor, I have come to check on Ensign Kim."

"Well, as I told the Captain, he has internal bleeding and a lot of damage. As
soon as I'm sure that he's stable, I'll repair the damage." The Doctor said as he
was reading Harry's vital signs off of a PADD in his hand.

"Will he live?" Seven asked this with an unnoticeable tremor in her voice. If
anyone else had said it, they would have known it was due to fear that Harry
would die.

"We can only wait to find out." He said with sorrow at not being able to reassure
Seven.

"Very well, I'll return tomorrow." With that Seven of Nine left the sickbay.

"Women!" The Doctor muttered as the doors closed.  He looked at the
unconscious form on the table before him, "They have so many emotions, and yet
Seven didn't even recognize her fear that you might die." 

===

The Captain had called a staff meeting for 1500 the next day. The only two
absent were Harry and the Doctor, who was using the Emergency Medical
Channel to attend the meeting.

"It seems as though they were going to ransom to Away team for technology
from Voyager. When the Away team defended themselves, the attackers changed
their plan to kill the away team and take any technology that they had. This
however failed due to Mr. Kim's actions." Tuvok stated in his stoical way.

"Any indication what group they're with?" Chakotay asked from where he sat.

"They are apparently part of an organization to overthrow the government."

"What did the government say when you told them about this faction?" Captain
Janeway asked.

"Well, they would like any information we could gather from their bodies."

"Well, then give what little information we have to them as well as  our best
wishes." Janeway said with a little humor in her voice, but not much.

At Tuvok's nod the Captain went on with the meeting.

"Doctor, what is Harry's condition?"

"He has been stable for the past 10 hours, I have repaired his injuries and he
should recover in no time at all." The Doctor stated with some happiness in his
voice, but not much.

"Well, that's good news. Thank you Doctor." Janeway said. As she was turning
to move on to the next item the Doctor stopped her.

"However, the bad news is that Mr. Kim has suffered head trauma and is in a
coma. I don't know when, if ever, he will wakeup."

After the Doctor said that, there wasn't much of a meeting left, so Janeway
dismissed them.

There were three of the attendees of the meeting who went straight to Sickbay to
see Harry. They were Tom Paris, B'Elanna Torres, and Seven of Nine.

As they entered they all saw a comatose Harry laying on the biobed. As they
moved towards Harry, the Doctor just looked up.

"Doctor, will we know if comes out of the coma?" B'Elanna asked.

"Only when he fully awakes will we know. Until then, all we can do is wait."
With that he turned from them and went back to his duties.

Tom, B'Elanna, and Seven only stood watching Harry for a few moments longer,
then all but Seven left. Seven stayed by Harry's bed for more than an hour after
the others left. The Doctor had to order her to regenerate to get her to leave, but
finally, with one last long look at Harry, she left.

===

As he slowly started to gain consciousness, he noted a weight on his chest. As he
struggled to open his eyes, he became aware of his surroundings. He was in
sickbay, again. But what really surprised him was a blonde mass of hair on his
chest, and B'Elanna and Tom sleeping in chairs on the other side of the biobed.

As he was looking around, the owner of the blonde hair started to wake up. As
she did, she turned and looked Harry straight in the eye.

"Morning sleepy head." Was all he could say to the beautiful blonde looking at
him. On top of that he couldn't keep the smile off his face, as Seven yawned like
a small child waking up from a nap.

Just then the Doctor walked into the room.

"Ah, Mr. Kim. I'm so glad you decided to join us. How's your head?" He asked
with all the professionalism he could, but didn't make it. The reason was because
Seven had fallen asleep with her head on Harry's chest and her arms thrown
possessively over him.

"It hurts a little. How long have I been asleep?" He asked, looking at the now
totally awaken Seven, who had moved back to sit in the chair with her hands in
her lap. He had been thinking only a few days.

"You have been a coma for three weeks, we didn't know if you would wakeup.
What is the last thing you remember?" He asked as he ran a scan of Harry.

"Last thing I remember was the fight on Bitai, then an explosion. Then nothing."
He said with a small shake of his head, and a mild case of shock on his face.
Three weeks? That he couldn't believe.

By this time, Tom and B'Elanna had awaken and were eager to talk to Harry.

"Hey buddy, how ya feeling?" Tom asked.

"Aside from the headache, pretty good. I've never felt this rested before. Was I
really in a coma for three weeks?" Harry asked with some concern.

"Yes you were. I ... we were worried about you." Seven said, hoping that no one
had heard her slip.

But Harry had heard it, however he let it pass, at least for now.

"You guys were worried about me? That makes me feel better." He then noticed
that he was the only patient in sickbay. "Doc, what happened to the rest of the
away team?"

When he said that, the smiles disappeared from all their faces, even the small
makings of a smile disappeared from Seven's face.

"They're all dead buddy. You're the only survivor." As Harry's face fell, Tom
quickly said. "Harry, I'm so sorry."

"They're all dead?" He asked, not believing.

"Yes Mr. Kim, you're the only survivor." The Doctor told him.

"Doc, can Harry leave yet?" Tom asked him.

"Let me run a few more test to make sure he is fully recovered, then you can pick
him up at this time tomorrow." The Doctor said.

The Doctor started and finished his test within 20 minutes, but kept Harry under
surveillance for the rest of the day. At the same time the next day Harry was free
to go.

===

As Tom, Harry, B'Elanna, and Seven made their way to the messhall, Harry was
filled in on the past three weeks.

While Harry was sleeping, Voyager had found a small unstable wormhole that
had taken eight years off their journey. This proved to Harry how long he had
really been in a coma, normally wormholes and other spatial anomalies were his
field. The memorials for the five dead crewmen were held two days after they had
left the Bitaine homeworld. It turns out that after the explosion, Voyager had left
immediately to prevent any other attacks on her crew.

==

All through lunch Harry couldn't help but think of the five people that he had
gotten killed. After lunch he went back to his quarters to sleep.

Harry was given the next few days off to make a full recovery. The next night
Harry had trouble sleeping. Having not been able to sleep he started to walk the
halls and think about the away mission.

The mission was a failure. Harry Kim's second command of an Away Team was
even worse than the first. This time instead of a talking bomb trying to destroy
the ship, Harry Kim had gotten his entire Away Team killed.

"Five people. Five people dead because of me." Harry thought to himself as he
walked the halls of Voyager, trying to find someway to sleep.

It had been almost four weeks since the 'incident' that got Harry's team killed.

During this his thoughts he found his way to the Mess Hall. As there was nobody
there, he sat at a table near the window and looked out at the stars.

"The stars, they are forgiving of all that we humans do. Except this time." He
repeated sadly to himself. His reflections on what happened since the assault
were dark ones.

He decided that he didn't want to talk to anyone, so he left the messhall to return
to his quarters.

On his way to his quarters he met no one. Even thought his thoughts were dark
ones, his mind kept returning to the sensation of waking up with Seven in his
arms, so to speak.

"Computer, play music file Kim Beta 4." He commanded upon entering his
quarters.

The usual beep that announced the computer was complying sounded. Harry
went to his couch to lay down. He shortly fell asleep. Only the sound of a voice
woke him from his sleep.

:::Seven to Kim.:::

"Kim here, what is it Seven?" he asked, not totally awake.

:::Ensign, I have been ringing your door for the past 20 minutes. Would you
please open your door?:::

"Sure Seven, hold on. Kim out."

As he went to his door to let her in, he yawned and thought about why she would
come to his quarters at, looking at the chronometer, 0200 in the morning.

When he opened his door he found Seven standing in the corridor, holding a
small box.

"Seven, what can I do for you?" He asked before he remembered his manners.
"First, come in please." He moved aside to allow her to enter.

She went over to his table and set the box on top. She then turned and looked at
him. Harry could tell she was nervous.

"What can I do for you Seven?" he asked again.

"I have come to give you a gift." She said in her full Borg mode.

"You came to give me a gift at 0200? Why didn't you do it later?" He asked, even
more exhausted now that she was here. The main reason for his exhaustion was
being awaken at 0200 hours in the morning, not the person who had awaken him.

"I didn't want you to be around anyone else when I gave you this." She turned to
the table and picked up the box and handed it to Harry who was standing beside
her.

"What is it?" He asked as he was opening it.

Inside the box was a small picture frame, in the frame was a picture of Tom,
B'Elanna, Harry, and Seven, at one of Neelix's parties. Seven was smiling at
Harry.

"I didn't even see Neelix take this picture." Harry said, stunned by the gift from
Seven.

"I know, after he took it I asked him for two copies, one for you and one for
me." She said quietly.

"Seven, why did you give me this?"

"I've noticed the way you've been acting since you woke up, and I thought
someone needed to cheer you up."

"Why? There has to be another reason. You're nervous Seven, why?" He was
suspicious now.

"When you were in the coma I was afraid that you wouldn't wake up. During
those three weeks, I had the chance to see what my life would be like with out
you in it. I didn't like the sensations that were created. I did realize one thing."
She said, allowing more and more of her emotions to show.

"What one thing did you realize?" Harry asked, he couldn't help it. He had to
know what this beautiful woman was thinking.

"I realized that I .. that I .. that I have ... feelings, for you." The last part was said
in a whisper.

"Feelings? What kind of feelings?"

"I believe I have experience what humans call, fear, anxiety, loneliness, and love."

Harry was stunned, did she just say that she loved him? His jaw must have
dropped for she moved closer and closed it with her hand.

"What did you just say?" he managed to ask after several breaths.

"I said that I love you, Harry."

His first name, and she said she loved him. He had to sit down or fall down. As
he moved to sit on the couch, she moved with him and sat beside him.

"Seven, do you know what you said?"

"Yes I do, I have stated my love and devotion to you. Do you not feel the same
about me?" She asked perplexed. "Lieutenant Torres told me that you have 'had a
thing for me' since I came onboard. Is this not true?"

"When did B'Elanna tell you this?" He was more curious that stunned now.

"The second week that you were in the coma. I had been going to sickbay when
ever I was off duty, I even fell asleep on you as I did the day you awoke."

"Seven, everything that B'Elanna told you was true. I have loved you since you
came onboard and..." He took a deep breath. "...and I still do. I think that I
would always love you, even if you didn't love me."

When he said that she couldn't help herself, she had to hug him. And hug him she
did. 
When they broke from the hug Seven asked, "Can I stay here tonight?"

Harry just smiled and said "Sure, you can stay here any night."

So together they leaned back into the couch and fell asleep in the arms of the
person that they loved.

===

Over the next few days Seven and Harry spent more and more time together, yet
the thought that Harry had caused the deaths of five crewmen still lingered in his
mind. Everyone told him that the deaths weren't his fault, but it still felt that way.

The guilt that he felt was something that wouldn't go away with time, like Tom
Paris, he'd carry this till his dying day. And that may be sooner than anyone
thought.

Guilt is a monster that stalks you till the end of your days, when it catches you it
devours you whole. Such was the case of one Ensign Harry Kim. Harry's life had
changed since the deaths. Now he was dating Seven of Nine, his work was
getting done faster, and everyone felt happy for Harry, even Seven.

Yet Harry was planning something, something no one would ever want to know.
Least of all the Captain or Seven.

Harry had gone to the quarters he now shared with Seven and left a message to
be played after he had completed his "mission".

Now he had to go to Cargo Bay 2 where he would complete his "mission".

===

In the Cargo Bay, Harry took out his phaser and told the computer to record one
final log.
He had come to the Cargo Bay because it was one of the most isolated area of
the ship, now that Seven had moved into shared quarters with him.

"Computer, record personal log for today."

"Recording." The computer replied.

"Today, I'll make amends to the spirits of the dead. Then they can rest, as can I.
Computer, end log."

As Harry was setting his phaser to stun, for even a phaser on stun at close range
can kill, Seven walked into the Cargo Bay, her entrance marked by the
pneumatics of the door.

"Harry? What are you doing here?" Seven asked, perplexed.

"Uh, hi Seven. Nothing, I'm not doing anything." He said with some fear and
anxiety.

"Then why are you in here with a phaser?"

"No reason .. no reason at all." This was said with no conviction at all. "Seven, I
have a question for you."

"Yes, Harry. What is the question?"

"Seven, do you love me? I need to know, in truth, do you love me?" He asked
with some resignation and fear that her answer would be negative.

At this point, Seven had moved to within inches of Harry. Together they were
standing in the middle of the Cargo bay.

"Harry, I do love you, you are the only person who ever loved me for the person
that I am. And for that I love you, will love you till you die." Thus she spoke
from her heart.

"Seven, I will love you till the day that I die." With that he stepped back. As he
moved to place the phaser at his temple, he reflected on all the time they had
spent together. Their dinners together had been great. The dates to the holodecks
had been the best part. The dates were all to romantic destinations, Hawaii, New
York, and several areas on alien worlds. In those few seconds, Harry hesitated as
he remembered the good times.

In those few seconds hesitation, and seeing that Harry meant to kill himself,
Seven launched herself at him, knocking the phaser away from his head just as it
fired. Seven grabbed him in a hug and didn't let go. She grabbed him so that he
couldn't kill himself, and leave her alone once again. She didn't let go till they
were beamed, by security into Sickbay.

===

In Sickbay, Harry was given a mild sedative until Tuvok, the Captain, and
Chakotay arrived. When they arrived, the Doctor administered a restorative so
that the new arrivals could speak to Harry.

"Ensign Kim, how are you?" The Captain asked as Harry regained consciousness.

"I am feeling a little better. Captain, I'm sorry." He stated slowly.

"For what Harry?"

"For disrupting the operations of this ship, and disturbing you when you're
resting."

"Harry, you didn't disrupt me, nor did you disrupt the ship's operations. But if
you were having problems or were depressed, why didn't you come to Chakotay
or me, or even Seven?" The Captain asked with a trace of pity in her voice.

"Why did you try to kill yourself? Did you know that I can't live without you?"
Seven said before anyone else could ask him any questions. She had spoken with
a tremble in her voice and fear on her lips.

"Yes Ensign, the question that we're all asking is why?" the Doctor decided to
jump in and question Harry.

"The Away team. I see them in my sleep. I see them when I'm awake. I always
see them. They want me..." He had to pause from the emotions of the visions.
"They want me to remember them and make their deaths not be in vain. They
want me to get Voyager home."

"Why does that bother you? I thought that you wanted to get Voyager home."
The Captain asked.

"I do, I do want to get Voyager home, but they are always there. Always in my
mind. The voices are just too much. I wanted to silence them. The only way I
could think of to do that was to.. Well you know." His desperation was becoming
apparent to everyone present.

"Well, I don't know what we can do for you Ensign. Doctor any ideas?" Janeway
went back to being "Captain" instead of "mother."

"Actually Captain, I do have some ideas." The Doctor said with confidence. "But
first off, I can give you something to relieve the voices. And I can recommend
that you get counseling, either from one of the programs in the main databanks or
from me. There are several very good programs, I can give you a list of them if
you would like."

"That would be great Doc, thanks." Harry said with genuine, heartfelt thanks.

"And now Ensign, I recommend that you spend some time with Seven. You
scared her you know." The Doctor said even as he gave Harry an injection to
take away the voices.

"I agree Doctor. Ensign Kim, you are given the next 2 days off to straighten this
out with Seven. Seven, you are also off duty for the next 2 days. Understood?"

"Yes Captain." Was the echoed reply from Seven and Harry.

"Very well, Doctor, is there anything else?" the Captain asked, concern for her
Ops officer evident.

"No Captain, but if I may say, anybody who isn't sick, get out of my Sickbay."
The Doctor said with mock ferocity. Needless to say, they all complied.


==

Several weeks later, Harry had settled all his affairs with Seven and the crew. He
had come to terms with the information that the deaths weren't his fault, and that
nothing he could have done or said could have prevented their deaths. Even
though he as leader of the away team was responsible for the safety of the team,
and the deaths may be on his mind, he did all that he could and he was lucky that
more people hadn't died. He had also accepted that even though he tried to
commit suicide, the crew didn't think any less of him. As for Seven, things with
her were much better than they were before, since they professed their love for
each other, their understanding of each other had grown ten fold. In the week
that they were given off, (Harry to recover and fit into the crew again, and Seven
to spend with Harry.) they had spent time in the holodeck and their quarters.

Seven, having realized what her life would be like without Harry, had started to
develop a closer relationship with Harry. Seven told Harry that they were now
going "steady," a word no doubt picked up from Tom Paris. At this point in time,
Harry's life was going the best that it had ever been.

==

Seven months later things were still going well for Harry and Seven. They had
moved in together and had gotten bigger quarters. The therapy sessions were
helping to relieve the voices and his depression. In fact, things were going so well
that Harry decided that he would change the nature of his and Seven's
relationship.

Harry had invited Seven to a party in Sadrine's to celebrate the successful
integration of the Bitaine weapons system with Voyager's original system. At this
point, the weapons system was the most powerful than it had even been.

Harry had reserved a table for them with candles on it, and it portrayed a very
romantic atmosphere, something hard to do in the party that was Sadrine's. the
table was nestled into a quiet corner of the bar.

As the party got underway, Harry and Seven entered and were lead to the table
by Sadrine herself.

After they had their salads and were working on the entrée. Seven noticed that
Harry was nervous.

"Harry, why are you nervous?" She asked, hoping that she might be able to help
him.

"Seven, we've been dating for what six months now?" he asked, waiting for
confirmation.

"Seven, we've been dating for Seven months.." She replied.

He nodded at her correction of their time together.

"Well, the time we've spent together has been wonderful. Don't get me wrong, I
mean we've had a few bumps along the way, like the phaser incident. But now, I
want to... I wanted to ask you. Hell, I can't think of any romantic way to say this
but," He got down on one knee in front of her. At that point all conversation and
activity stopped. "Seven, will you make me the happiest man in the world and
marry me?"

The assembled took a collective intake of breath.

"Harry, I would love to make you the happiest man in the world. Marrying you
would make me the happiest woman in the world."

"You mean..."

"Yes Harry, I will marry you." As the newly engaged hugged, the audience let
out their collective breath.

"Well, I thought that this would be a dull party, but you two seemed to have
made it interesting." Joked Tom Paris as he and B'Elanna entered.

Harry replied by saying. "Well, what do you expect? My life isn't going to get any
worse, so it can only get better. Don't you think?" This question was meant to be
a rhetorical, and everyone accepted it as one, even Seven.

"Well, then I propose a toast." The Captain had an idea which was welcomed by
everyone there.

The captain proposed a toast, "To Harry Kim and Seven of Nine, may their life
together always be full of bliss and love."

The toast was repeated, and the new couple was given best wishes by everyone
present, even the holograms.

And thus did Harry Kim and Seven of Nine, begin to start their new lives
together.

- THE END. -