The Passionate Helmsman to His Engineer


A P/T Parody Poem
Rated NC-17



OK, here's a bit of Treksmut from a few "Feverites" who hang out on the Paris/Torres Mail List. It started out being VoyBoyToy's response to a post on the mail list, wondering whether Tom and B'Elanna were "moaners, groaners, or repeat offenders." (Maybe you had to be there.) Unfortunately, VoyBoyToy lost what she'd written of the original poem because her server had a blowout. When several of us got together, the poem morphed into this, as things done by groups have a way of doing.

So, we offer for your consideration a jointly devised, borderline filthy Dr. Seuss/Elizabethan Poet parody, cleaned up a bit, but with lots of naughty stuff still in place. And it still applies to that original "Sounds of Love" post!


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THE PASSIONATE HELMSMAN TO HIS ENGINEER,
WITH THE ENGINEER'S REPLIES

(OR, MORE FUN WITH DR. SEUSS)



by VoyBoyToy, Jamelia, and Niomi
(along with the Bunnies from Hell, who were egging us on) June, 1998


----With apologies to Christopher Marlowe, Sir Walter Raleigh, and, of course, to Theodore "Dr. Seuss" Geisel



Come be with me, my Engineer love,
And by the warp core we will prove
The power from its throbbing pulse
Can make us writhe, make us convulse.

Tom, What are you saying? Please, explain.
Is this some Dr. Seuss, again?


First we'll slide, and then we'll groan,
And then we'll yell, and then we'll moan . . .

I kind of liked that Dr. Seuss.
Kind of made me feel real loose.
If poetry you're going to say,
Why not try my favorite way?


That's a KID'S book, B'Elanna, sweetest Dove,
That's not the poetry of love!

Come on, Helmboy. You can take
Any words and make me shake.
Come on Tom. Try, and you'll see,
You'll have lots of fun with me.


If that's what you want me to say,
Who am I to try another way?

So, B'Elanna my dear, I'll think and I'll brood
Of passionate verse, to put you in the mood . . .

I would do you, have no fear,
Anywhere, B'Elanna dear.

Would you do it in a shuttle,
Would you, could you in a deuterium puddle?


I would do you in the lift,
I would give you my best gift.

Would you whimper, would you simper,
Would you do it 'til you're limper?


In my car and in my bed,
Or maybe at the conn instead,
On the conference room's big table,
I would do you s' long as I was able.

In the mess hall, here you say?
Not near Neelix or Chakotay!

In the sickbay?
Would you have your way?


Of course, why not? While the doc
Converses with Mr. Tuvok.

In Engineering with the warp core throbbing?

Until my penis is finished bobbing . . .

We could grunt, we could cry out;
We could squeal or we could shout.

We could yell, it's all the same,
We could holler each other's name.

In the Jeffries tube I say,
Come with me and have your way!


Yell out to the local deity,
Cry to me to have no pity,
I would do you, have no fear,
Anywhere, B'Elanna dear.

Use your voice, emit a growl?

Even use some language foul.
Just remember I'm the dude
That treats you right when we're both nude.

Scream with delight and never quit?

'specially when I am at your . . . .
armpit?

My tongue will make you dance and sing.
Just wait until you meet my thing.
I would lave you in a cave,
Make myself your brave love slave.

At a briefing, at a meeting?

While you're working, while you're eating,
Scream or moan or sigh or squeal,
Make whatever sound you feel.

If I cause a wake or ripple
While attached to your left nipple,
Yell out to the local deity,
Cry to me to have no pity,
I would do you, have no fear,
Anywhere, B'Elanna dear.

Too bad Neelix wouldn't think you right
To show this off on Talent Night.
If you did the crew you'd stun!


No, just for you, my audience of One!

Could you see my blue eyes bright
If this little ditty I'd recite?

Would you kiss me, hug me, suck me?

Right before I finally ____ thee.

And in bed, you'd finally tuck me?

Should I bite you on the breast?
Or on the throat, would that be best?
Should I bite you on the neck?
On the cheek? Oh, what the heck!

Oh, yes, Tom, you should bite me.
Even better, you can fight me!
In the Jeffries tube I say,
Come with me and have your way!


In my car and in my bed,
Or maybe at the conn instead,
On the conference room's big table,
I would do you s' long as I was able.

I would lave you in a cave,
Make myself your brave love slave.

At a briefing, at a meeting,
While you're working, while you're eating.
Scream or moan or sigh or squeal,
Make whatever sound you feel.
Yell out to the local deity,
Cry to me to have no pity,
I would do you, have no fear,
Anywhere, B'Elanna dear.

Good enough, Helmboy, before we're parted
By duty shifts, let's get started!


Certainly, B'Elanna, have no fear,
I will do you now, my dear!




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