Title: Secret Sorrows 
Author: Daniel
Contact: daniel.y@bigfoot.com
Series: VOY
Part: NEW 1/1
Rating: PG
Codes: K/7
Timeline: Set after 'Child's Play'.
Archive: Yep, of course.  Just let me know.
Summary: Seven and Harry blow off some steam, but realize by the end that
they have more in common then they realize.
Disclaimer: Paramount / Viacom owns everything.  I'm just playing with their
characters a little.
Notes: BIG Thanks to Lesa for beta-reading the story!  It was inspired by
bunch of things, including, but not limited to, Seven's cold manner in Ashes
to Ashes, recent poll about whether Seven understands more than she actually
lets on, and the quote that I've used in the story.  I was seriously
considering burying the story, but recent posts about Seven and Harry
fighting made me change my mind.  Hope you like it. :)

*    *    *
Secret Sorrows
Daniel [ daniel.y@bigfoot.com ]
*    *    *

He slowly got up from the couch he was sitting in and looked about the room.
He had to get ready for skating with Mezoti and Naomi.  A pair of skates
caught his attention, and pang of pain shot up to his brain.  Ensign Lyndsay
Ballard.  Her mere name brought back painful memories - it had not fully
healed yet.  She was so vibrant and full of life, an unknown yet to be explored,
when she was abruptly taken away.  Again.  His brown eyes became dark pools
of pain, as his brain retraced the final lingering image of her as the
transporter beam broke her down into pure energy.

'No, not again.'  He breathed deeply and closed his eyes, picturing a
completely white, blank sheet of paper.  His quickened heart gradually
slowed down as he controlled his breathing.  He opened his eyes.  As if
someone had put filters on them, the pain in his eyes disappeared as brown,
unassuming eyes replaced them.  His face automatically assumed a slight grin
that he was expected to wear.  Transformation to trustworthy, dependable,
predictable Ensign Harry Kim was finished.  'You're getting better at this,'
he quipped to himself as he straightened out his sweater and picked up the
skates.

He pleasantly nodded to passing crewmembers as he walked down the corridors
to Samantha Wildman's quarters, where both Mezoti and Naomi were getting
ready for ice-skating.  He then noticed Marla Gilmore, walking toward the
Turbolift.

"Hi Marla, how are you doing?"  Harry asked as he matched steps with her.

"Oh, Hi Harry.  Not bad, I guess."  Her voice had a tinge of sadness in it.
As one of few survivors from the Equinox, she was still trying to fit in
with the rest of the crew.  However, in a close-knit society aboard Voyager
where everyone knew everyone else's snoring habits, it wasn't the easiest
thing to do.

"Any plans for today?"  Harry broke the silence.

"Not really.  I'll probably go to my quarters and listen to music or
something."

"Marla, I'm going skating with Mezoti and Naomi.  Do you want to come with
us?  Do you know how to ice skate?"

"Thanks for the offer, but..."

"Come on!  It'll be fun!"  Harry insisted.

"Very well.  Holodeck two, right?"

"Yes, in about 10 minutes.  See you there!"  There was a trace of smile on
her lips.  Harry smiled back.  It was good to see Marla smile, he decided.


*    *    *

Laughter filled the little town square.  The air was fresh and cool, and
blue, cloudless sky draped over the head of skaters.  There were few benches
around the skating rink, which was set in a centre of a small town.  Few
crewmembers present were laughing and enjoying themselves in a relaxed
setting.  However, most of the noise was coming from the centre of the rink
where two adults and two children were playing a game of tag.  Harry,
followed by Mezoti and Naomi, was weaving around other skaters who were
circling the rink, while Marla Gilmore tried to catch up to them.

"Uncle Harry!"  A little voice called from behind.  "Help me!"  Naomi's eyes
held mock terror as the distance between her and Marla closed.  Harry
quickly stopped and turned around.  He accelerated as fast as he could
toward Naomi, then snooped her up and nimbly skated around the pursuer's
outstretched hand.  He lifted Naomi up in the air as he skated around the
rink.  Little girl squeaked in delight as she felt the cool, crisp winter
air against her face.

After few laps around the rink, he slowed down and lowered Naomi.  When
Harry put her back on the ice, he felt a tap on his back.  When he turned
around, he came face to face with a wide smile of Marla Gilmore.

"You're it."

"Come on!  That doesn't count!  I was..."  He felt a small finger tapping
him on the back.  He looked around once again and met Mezoti's puppy dog
face.

"Can you pick me up and skate around like you did with Naomi?"

Harry picked Mezoti up.  He turned and tapped Marla on the shoulders and
winked before he skated away.  Gilmore, fully knowing that she couldn't
catch up to Harry in terms of speed, sighed resignedly and started looking
for Naomi.

"I'm flying!"  Mezoti giggled as 'Uncle Harry' skated around the rink
holding her high above his head.  Harry was looking around trying to locate
Jenkins and Naomi when he realized someone had just stepped in his path.  He
came to a stop about less than a metre of the person, but that was not
before he had sprinkled the person with ice chips.

He looked up to find surprised Seven of Nine.  During that fraction of
second, Harry could've sworn that he saw something in her eyes.  However, a
layer of calm indifference quickly draped over her eyes, quickly erasing any
sign of emotion in them.  Harry backed away a little and put Mezoti down on
the ice as laughing Marla and Naomi skated toward them.

"Mezoti, you were expected in the mess hall five minutes ago."  Seven
stated.

The smile Mezoti had on her face quickly vanished.  "Sorry, Seven.  I
forgot."  The little girl sounded genuinely apologetic.  Seven patiently
waited while Harry untied the skates and gave it to her.  Mezoti suddenly
smiled as she turned toward Seven.  "I forgot to tell you, but Uncle Harry
replicated me a pair of skates for something called Birthday!  He put
Anti-Grav units so that I can use them anywhere I want!"

Harry looked up at hearing his name.  His smiling face met with Seven's
cold, disapproving look.  He dazedly watched as his brain struggled to come
up with a reason for her unexpected coldness.

*    *    *

The Turbolift's silent ascension suddenly halted, prompting two silent
passengers to reluctantly and finally look at each other.

"Kim to Bridge, What's going on up there?  The Turbolift just stopped!"

::Torres here,  Frankly, I have no idea.  I was running level two diagnosis
of support system when that turbolift just went offline...  Hang on, Harry.
This might take a while.::

"Can't you beam us out?"

::Sorry, it's going to take about an hour for the diagnostics to finish, and
until then, Transporter system is offline as well.  Are you okay?  If you
got hurt or something, I can abort the diagnostics and get you out of
there.::

"No, I'll be fine.  I was just going to go hang around the Messhall.  I guess I
get to hang around Seven for next hour instead."  Harry was sure he heard
Tom's snicker in the background, but chose to ignore it.

::Okay, I'll leave you two in peace, then...  I think the problem was
diagnostics conflicting with the Turbolift's onboard computer.  It'll
probably fix itself once the diagnostics run is finished.  Have fun::

Harry could practically hear B'Elanna's and Tom's smirk.  He gave out a big
sigh, then sat down on the ground, putting his arms around his knees.  His
eyes wandered up to find Seven standing, as impassive as ever, with her arms
behind her back and looking at the console as if she was willing the
Turbolift to fix itself.

"Seven, Turbolift's not going to fix itself because you stare at it."

"I am aware of that fact, ensign"

"Well, relax for a while.  You're stuck in here with me for the next hour no
matter what happens, so you might as well sit down...  If I remember
correctly, Mezoti, Naomi and rest of the children are under Neelix's care
right now."

"I have no desire to relax, nor do I desire to engage in irrelevant
conversation"

"Seven, are you feeling okay?  Are the kids getting on your nerves?"
Harry's voice was full of compassion.  "Ever since they've arrived, you've
been pretty quiet and, well, drawn in."

Seven gave Harry a cold, hard stare.  "I assure you, I am not damaged in any
way."

Harry gave out a small sigh, then focused his attention on a spec of dust on
the floor.  Suddenly, a quote from one of his favourite 19th century poet
came to him.  He decided to try another tactic to get her to open up.
Without looking up, he started reciting the quote.  "Believe me, every man
has his secret sorrows, which the world knows not; and oftentimes we call a
man cold, when he is only sad."  He paused before continuing.  "Henry
Wadsworth Longfellow."  He gazed up to find two blue orbs boring holes into
his head. "Remind you of someone?"  He delivered the line in perfect
deadpan, then watched in wonderment as what he said brought a myriad of emotions 
through her eyes.  At the end, only one emotion was left on her eyes.  Harry
was taken aback to see such a passion coming from her.  It was intense,
burning rage.

"Ensign,"  She paused, looking as if she had millions of things to say, but
not knowing which one to start with.  "Do not try to analyze me.  I am not
an experiment.  You are asserting that I cannot fit in to the environment,
that I am depressed, sad, lonely individual.  You are mistaken.  In fact it
is you who are depressed, sad, and lonely."  She paused, as if to recollect
her thoughts.  "Correction: You are not sad nor lonely.  You are
unemotional, cold, detached individual who does not care about anything or
anyone.  You do not feel anything.  It is as if you have became more Borg
than I have."  Her words dripped venom.  Harry stared at Seven, dumbfounded.
"After voyager's detour at Tarakis, you reverted back to your usual self as
if the memories of the massacre had made no difference to you at all.  Also,
after Ensign Lyndsay Ballard left, it took you less than ten days before you
went on a date with Crewman Gilmore, taking impressionable children along as
an excuse for such an outing."

It was as if someone had lit fires behind Harry's eyes.  The veil that
covered his eyes quickly melted, revealing fiery wrath underneath.  He
slowly rose to his full height.  Seven, however, continued on even after she
noticed the change in his eyes.  "You are a reckless, irresponsible
individual."  Seven gave Harry a self-righteous look.  "You are not a
suitable role model for the children.  I do not wish you to interact with
Mezoti or any of other borg children.  I will inform Ensign Wildman of my
analysis of your beha..."

Seven didn't have the chance to finish.  Harry had grabbed her shoulders and
turned her so that she was mere inches away from his face.  "Do you want to
know what I did while we were on orbit above Tarakis?  I'd work, work, then
work some more.  When I couldn't go on anymore, I'd drag myself into my
quarters and cry myself to sleep, crying over the people I killed, people I
murdered.  You know what I realized during that time?  That I was alone.  In
this small ship of 150 people, which I've been with for almost 6 years, I
was alone.  If something like this happened to me back on earth, I'd turn to
Libby, and she'd hug and comfort me.  While we were on orbit over Tarakis,
I'd wake up in the middle of the night and find myself holding my pillow as
if it was my lifeline."

He continued on, his eyes blazed with rage.  "So, you didn't see me sulking
around the corridors.  Just who do you think I am?  I am a SENIOR OFFICER
for crying out loud!  What do you expect me to do?  Go and make everyone
gloomy?  I've went through so many hardships and tribulations that I know I
have to leave those emotions back in my quarters.  When Lyndsay came back,
that was my chance, my chance to have a real friendship, a friend to whom I
could talk about everything without worrying about anything.  Sure, Tom and
B'Elanna are friends to, but they have each other now, and when something
bad happens, like the Tarakis, they look for each other.  After Lyndsay
left, when I had to pack her room for the second time, it was as if I was
tearing my heart out all over again.  I thought I'd finally have someone
significant in my life, someone who would really understand me, but the fate
decided to take her again, just like Libby, or my life on Earth, and
everything else that mattered to me.  I realized that I had to get out.
That I had to go and reach out to other people, and interact with them more.
I realized I couldn't go on anymore, so alone."

Harry paused to catch his breath, then resumed his attack.  "What did you
say I was?  Lonely, depressed, and sad?  Yes, I am lonely and sad.  I've
been lonely every since I arrived at Delta Quadrant.  But I have a job to
do.  I am Starfleet trained officer, first in the class, entrusted to be the
Chief of Operations on an Intrepid class Starship as my first assignment.  I
have a job to do, an example to set.  Don't you ever dare call me
unemotional, cold, and detached.  If anything, those words best describe
you."  Harry looked at Seven with the unblinking eyes of the tiger, so full
of passion, but calculating and dissecting at the same time.  "Do you know
what I think?  I think you are afraid of facing humanity.  But at the same
time, you are jealous of people who has full grasp of humanity.  When you
see Mezoti enraptured in joy, giggling and laughing, you'd probably give
anything to be like her, carefree, just enjoying yourself.  You are a
coward, afraid to come out of your Borg shell.  Irrelevant this, irrelevant
that, that's all you say when you come up against something you are not
familiar with.  But in the end, it comes down to the fact that you are
simply afraid."

The Turbolift suddenly gave a jerk before coming back alive.  Harry looked
deeply into Seven's deep, blue eyes.  Harry spoke, a lot calmer and in
control now.  "Seven, I am not Magnus Hansen."  An awkward silence followed
Harry's remark.  Harry lost himself in Seven's eyes as another set of
emotions swept through them.  The Turbolift was slowing down, coming to deck
three, Seven's destination.

Abruptly, Seven took a step toward Harry and grabbed his face with her both
hands as their lips brushed in a kiss.  Harry, taken by total surprise,
froze at the spot.  The kiss was over as soon as it had started.  Harry
looked dazed and disoriented, and his look of confusion was only exceeded by
that on Seven's face.  Seven took a step back.  For that brief second, Harry
saw a scared and vulnerable girl, longing for love and care.  Seven walked
out of the Turbolift silently without looking at him again.  Harry dazedly
watched as the doors close behind her slightly bent form.  That brief kiss
had drained all his anger and energy out of him.

*    *    *

She was terrified.  She was truly terrified.  Her legs were taking her
somewhere, but it did not matter where as long as it was moving.  She tried
to block it out, but all she could think about that fraction of a second
where she saw the glimpse of the real man behind Ensign Kim.  Right after
she had mentioned Ensign Ballard, she saw his amused look melt away as cold
rage replaced the tint of his eyes.  For a brief moment, before the rage had
filled his eyes, she saw black pools of pain underneath it all.  She had
continued on her attack, but she knew, at that moment, that her accusations
were horrendously wrong.  When he was shouting back at her, all she could
think about were those two pain filled eyes, reaching out to her.  When she
had walked up to her, kissing him was the last thing on her mind.  She had
wanted to apologize as it was evident how much her accusations had hurt him.
However, when she faced Ensign Kim, she suddenly forgot what she wanted to
say, or where she was.  All she saw was Harry Kim, standing there.  The act
seemed so natural, but so foreign at the same time.  It was one of the most
impulsive things she had ever done.

"I'm not Magnus Hansen" His voice reverberated around her brain.  She now
knew what had caused her to react the way she reacted the quote.  Harry had
become the focal point of her anger toward her parents.  He represented
everything she had lost.  When she saw Mezoti giggling as Harry gave her a
piggyback ride or Azan smiling after he had his first taste of ice cream,
pain of longing had shot up her spine.  Harry had been nice to Naomi as
well, but Naomi wasn't a borg.  On the other hand, Mezoti and rest of
children were just like her, and everything they did carved something out of
her heart.  Instead of loving environment that enveloped the Borg Children
on Voyager, Seven's 9th birthday was spent in a maturation chamber.  Instead
of laughing and giggling, she learned how to assimilate other species.
Harry was right.  She would give anything to be loved and cared like the
children.  Anything to be hugged and reassured by someone when she wasn't
quite sure, anything to have someone gently put her to sleep, whispering
sweet lullaby into her ears.  Borg had taken it all away from her, and her
parents were directly responsible for the outcome.  They had robbed of
everything that mattered.

For the Borg Collective, she was nothing more than a body to slap another
set of attachments to, a drone.  She was purged clean of emotions and
individuality.  Everything that defined who Annika Hansen had slowly erased
from her mind over the period of 20 years.  When she was freed from the
collective, Annika Hansen was gone forever.  From that point on, for three
years, she had tried to replace the hole left in her heart, but what was
lost was too great.  The hole was being mended daily, but the sheer size of
the void within her heart ensured that she would never be what she could've
been.

When she had first encountered the Borg children, her heart went out to
them.  There they were, in same predicament as her.  However, as days went
on and their individuality and emotions returned, all that was left in her
heart was even more longing for the things she knew she would never receive
and yet another reminder of what she had lost.

Harry Kim was part of all this.  He was a father, a big brother, an uncle,
and a friend to them all.  He reached out to them and truly cared for them.
He had taken them to many different simulations, taught them numerous games,
and told them various tales.  He comforted them when they were in distress,
and shared their delight when they were joyful.  He was everything her
parents could've been, everything she had lost, and everything she wasn't.
She had been angry at him without reason, and she now knew why she had been
so irrational.

She loved him.

The realization did not shock her as she expected it to be.  She only felt
acceptance of the fact.  Deep within her heart, she had known all along.

*    *    *

His mind wandered to the incident in the Turbolift.  It has been almost a
week since it happened, and it was as if both him and Seven were avoiding
each other.  In fact, he was avoiding her.  He had bared his soul to her,
and he felt naked in Seven's presence.  Once the adrenaline rush had left
him, he had immediately regretted his actions.  But he had no intentions to
apologize to Seven.  Her reasoning seemed almost forced unlike her usual
self, and he still wanted to be mad at her for hurting him so much.  As much
as he tried, however, he realized he couldn't stay mad at her.  The kiss and
the look of utter helplessness that followed it was deeply engraved in his
mind.

"Please?"

Harry suddenly realized little voices were skirting the edge of his mind.
He realized he was still sitting in the messhall with the latest Ops report
in his hand.  When he finally took his eyes off the PADD, he was faced with
two pairs of pleading eyes.

"Pretty pretty please?"  Mezoti and Naomi begged. witHarry smiled warmly at the two girls.  "Sorry, I missed what you said.  What
did you want to do?"

"You promised to take us skating again!"

Seven's accusations crossed his mind again.  However, he was not about to
let someone else dictate his own life.  "Sure.  Did you get permission from
your mom and Seven?"

"Yes, and Seven said she'd join us later!"

"Seven?"  Harry looked around the Messhall to find someone he could go
skating with.  He did not feel as if he could survive another confrontation
with Seven.  "Neelix?  Do you want to go skating with us?"

Neelix smiled, but politely declined.  "Skating's not my thing.  Last time I
tried it, I must've slipped at least 50 times"

"Uncle Harry can teach you!"  Mezoti interrupted cheerfully.  "I just did
everything he told me to do, and I can skate almost as fast as Naomi now!"

Neelix smiled.  "Okay, this is kind of embarrassing, but when I went skating
last time, I had to be beamed out because I sustained a concussion when I
fell for the 51th time.  Talaxians just can't skate.  I'd love to, but I
don't want to get stuck in the Sickbay with the Doctor again."

Harry looked around the messhall.  None of the people there were skaters.
He ticked off his mental checklist.  Paris was on his sickbay duty.  Marla
was in engineering, Jenkins was on the Bridge, and so was Ayala.  He deeply
sighed and hoped that the presence of two children would dissuade Seven from
blowing up again, and keep his own temper in check as well.

*    *    *

It was blissfully quiet.  He was sitting on one of the many benches that
lined the skating rink.  He had sent the two girls back to their quarters
minutes ago, and just wanted just sit there and contemplate his existence.

Mezoti had been disappointed when it was time to go and Seven had not come
yet.  On the other hand, Harry was glad that Seven hadn't there.  The little
girl had wanted to show Seven the speed stop Harry had taught her.  Unlike
Naomi, who wanted to learn figure skating, Mezoti was interested in more of
a hockey style skating.  He had already faced couple of complaints regarding
how Mezoti and Naomi were skating around the corridor in their anti-grav
skates.  He smiled at the thought.

Suddenly, the world around him changed.  After initial disorientation, he
realized that he was sitting on a wrought iron bench, looking down at a park
that overlooked a lake.  It was strangely familiar.  He suddenly realized
that it was a park he frequented back on Earth.  He looked around 
and noticed Seven standing off to the side.

"Seven?  How did you know about this place?"

Seven walked up to him, looking uncertain then ever.  "Mezoti informed me of
this park.  A brief, although unstable, neural link was formed when you were
injected with Nanoprobes aboard the Borg cube.  Mezoti remembered this park
being a place of significance to you."

Harry broke the awkward silence.  "I used to come here when something
bothered me.  There was always someone in the park, so I never felt alone.
But at the same time, I knew no one would bother me here either.  I spent a
lot of my time..."  He paused, over come with nostalgia. "a lot of time
contemplating my existence here."  He bent down and touched the rush green
grass.  It was soft and damp.  He smelled the air around him, and suddenly
broke into a big smile.  "You even got the smell right!"

However, the smile just as suddenly disappeared as he remembered their
previous encounter.  "Why?"

"I..."  She faltered.  "Harry, I..."  She gazed deeply into his eyes.  "I
love you."  She finished quickly, then looked away as though she was
shameful of the fact.

Harry froze.  This wasn't what he expected to hear from her.  She wasn't in
love with Ensign Harry Kim that everyone knew, but with vulnerable, lonely
Harry Kim that she saw a glimpse of the other day.

Seven continued.  "Someone once said that Love is the triumph of imagination
over intelligence.  I was mistaken when I attempted to pick a suitable mate
from a list.  I understand now that I cannot, nor ever will understand the
emotion called Love.  However, I can feel it.  Right at this moment."  Harry
saw Seven looking into his eyes.  "Ever since I was freed from the
Collective, part of me strove to become more human, to return to what Annika
Hansen would have been if she had not been assimilated.

I now realize that I would never be what Annika Hansen would have been, but
as Seven of Nine, I still want to be able to feel everything that Annika
would have felt.  When I saw you interacting with Mezoti and other Borg
Children, and when I saw their transformation from Borg Drones to normal,
healthy Children, it made me realize what I had lost.  However, at the same
time, it gave me a flicker of hope that I, too, could be like them.  That
was when I realized the role you played for the children.  You were
everything that I wanted my parents to be."  She dropped her eyes once
again.  "I'm sorry about the outburst in the turbolift.  You became the
focal point of my anger against my parents."

Harry collected his thoughts.  This was the real Seven that he saw for a
brief second in the turbolift.  She looked dejected and lost.  He stepped in
and hugged her.  She awkwardly lifted her arms and hugged him back, leaning
her face on his shoulders in process.  She was so vulnerable, so helpless.
His heart went out to her.

"Seven, I hope I can say the same thing to you one day."  Seven looked up,
alarmed.  "I still don't know what to make of all this.  I feel something
for you.  Something quite substantial, actually, but my emotions are all
jumbled up right now."  Her eyes changed into a look of understanding.
Harry tightened his grip around her.  Seven looked up and smiled, but there
was still uncertainty in her eyes.  "Sorry, but that's the best answer I can
give to you at this moment.  I'm still trying to assimilate all that
happened today."

"It's not you."  Seven whispered out.  Harry suddenly realized that while
she perfectly understood his position, there =1 Wsomething else, something
deeper bothering her.  Then it hit him.  It was about her parents.

"Your parents loved you."  Seven stiffened at the comment.  "Seven, what did
you want to be when you were young?"

"I... wanted to a ballerina."

"Why?"

Seven was quiet.  Harry gently urged Seven on.  "My mother.  She would take
me to Holodeck to see performances there."

"And... what else?"

"When I told my mother I wanted to be a ballerina, my parents programmed a
ballerina lesson holoprogram.  She would drop in and sit and watch the
lesson.  My father would come in twirl me and pick me up..." Seven buried
her face on Harry's shoulders as she struggled to control her emotion.

"They loved you."  Harry said once again as he held her closer.

*    *    *

Her eyes followed the dancing shadows as the tree slowly danced to the wind.
They were sitting underneath a tree.  The sky was brilliant blue and the
lake was sparkling with reflection from the sun.  Gentle wind blew with a
scent of lowers and grass.

She touched his hand again.  She wanted to make sure it was real.  His arm
tightened, assuring her that it he was real.  She could feel his heart
beating in tune to her own.  She could feel gentle rise and fall of his
chest as he breathed.  She now had an extra hand that helped to fill the
void within her heart.  She touched his hand once again.  It was fascinating
how tactile contact brought emotional responses.

Sun slowly descended, turning the lake into a shade of brilliant gold.  They
had been sitting there for more than an hour, not exchanging a word.
However, it was as if she could understand exactly what he was thinking.  It
wasn't like a neural link where millions of voices spoke at once.  It was
more personal, where she could feel his thoughts from little movements he
made and the way he breathed.  It was the most odd feeling - She felt as if
she was having the best conversation she's ever had - but she ze="e to
ignore it, deciding to be with the moment.

~The End